Solstice

We had a lovely Solstice. It was quiet compared to past Solstices. But, then there are three of us. There have been more. This Solstice was very nice. Connected, and purposeful. Purpose Full. We had a ritual which was going to be public and then in the planning session we decided not to do a public ritual. It was just what we needed. Divine Intervention and all. We tranced to our place of power. For one of us this was her first group trance. Like participatory group trance. She wasn't scared at all. I've been invovled with group trance that took hours and hours and hours just to get started because someone wasn't sure they were ready. She's bold though. She came to one Reclaiming ritual and she said I've found what I was looking for. I was pleased. Like someone praising your child. My child. I have nurtured and cradled the spark for so long, it is so very nice to have others helping to gently blow on the spark and maybe it will flame forth now and not just be kept from going out. I've been holding space for so long. I was weary. I wanted this ritual not to be public because I didn't have the strength to keep doing what I was doing. Funny, that. You hold on until you have reached the end of your rope and find there is someone there to catch you. Nice.

Changes

This has been the year for awakenings. Okay, already. I'm up. I'm up. I have been really doing some hard work. It's hard because it requires me to be really honest with myself and with others. And the learning curve has been a bitch too. I'm not sure I wanted to learn quite this much this year. But, these things come wrapped up in quests for clarity and honsety and freedom. I can't be free unless I am honest and clear up the past. Not that I've never done that before. But, this year has been very enlightening. And really, much of it was stuff that I could see already but was not addressing. Apparently, working with clarity and honesty requires addressing this stuff. Being honest with people. Asking for help and then doing the work. Yep, this is all a bit cryptic without the real facts. So, the newest facts are these:
I got a new sponsor - who requires actual work from me even though I worked all the steps already.
I got a new home group. One that is not involved in fighting each other and airing opinions on other people's beliefs or lifestyles. One where there are NOT two sides and you WILL be assigned a side. Like it or not. I was assigned to the left-wing side since I'm a lesbian and a witch. That's just not right-wing material. These things may set me apart in many places but in A.A. they should not be an issue for the group. If they are...I need to find a new group. See, I told two friends last Summer that I was looking for a new home group. They said, *Oh no, please don't leave. We need you. Our side is winning.* I should have said, *What side? Winning what?* But I did not. It was easier to stay and I wanted to be accepted and *needed*. So, I stayed. I got crazier and crazier. I KNEW that this was not the group where I would share anything really important. I knew I did not really trust anyone there. Even the two women whom I stayed for. Cause I KNEW they had an agenda. I just wasn't clear what it was. Now, I'm a little clearer on that. I believe it is personal between at least one of them and another couple in the group. They rejoiced when sponsees left the woman they don't like. (This is the same woman who told me being a lesbian was going to get me drunk and a few other things...so I had reasons to play along...not healthy ones, but reasons.) I can't be a part of this war they have going. There are no factions in A.A. *Principles above personalities*. The principles went out the window a long time ago and no one has missed them yet. They are all too busy defending themselves cause they're at war and all. It ain't my war. I'm not fighting. The Big Book says we ceased fighting anyone or anything. I get waves of peace when I realize I don't have to worry about defending my lifestyle or my beliefs. In my new home group, my beliefs are my own...no one else's business. And my lifestyle is not an issue. The only issue is recovery. That's what A.A. is about.
Now, to figure out a sane and helpful way to tell my old group that I'm leaving. And my old sponsor. I don't want to create any more issues, they have enough. But, I do want to be honest. This will be hard. There may be tears involved.

epiphany

I made a discovery yesterday. Well, actually it was more of an epiphany. I realized that my fear of intense, sad emotions comes from that experience with my former sponsor. See, my theory is that I was in a depression after she told me being lesbian was not normal and was going to get me drunk. Makes perfect sense to me that hearing that from someone I thought was not only my sponsor but my best friend of eight years would leave a few scars. But I never realized until recently how deeply I was hurt and how far I went to stop the pain. I think that after I began to see the light of day again I was so fearful of being caught up in the pain and sadness again that I recoiled from ANYTHING that looked like sad. I had no idea. Really. Which I consider to be amazing, cause if you'd have asked me about it I would have told you. If I trusted you...I might have told you the whole sordid story. But, therein lies the problem. After that happened I trusted no one. I told no one what was going on. My Deep Self went into hiding for a long time. She was terrified of being hurt again. I do hope that if something like that would happen again I would have the presence and sense of self to say, *Fuck you. It's none of your business.* and not let it take me so far down. But, the thing is, it wasn't just what was said, but who said it. For fuck sake, the woman was my SPONSOR! For eight years!! I had no indication that she felt that way. No wonder I'm so big on honesty now. If you don't like my slifestyle, tell me before we start a relationship. Before I get tangled up in caring what you think. Just so ya know, my sponsor now is far more open and I am not her only lesbian sponsee. I checked that and her out for a long time before I asked. And just in case, I have a gay man as a second sponsor. Just in case there should be another scene in which I am attacked for who I am. Yep, better safe than sorry. Plus, he's got more time than my other sponsor. Huh! No, I am not as naive or as trusting as I once was. File that one under *Live and Learn*. Unfortuantely I was hurt so badly that it took me eight years to come to grips with it. Probably for the best. I didn't start to work on this until I had a new support system and even then it took about a year to work it's way to the surface. Was that my subconscious protecting me or just me being in denial. Perhaps a little of both. I couldn't start to work on this until I had started to try and trust people again and realized that I didn't. I thought I was pretty trusting. No, I was just surface friendly. I still am. I'll pretty much talk to anybody. But it took a lot of work to start to share what was really going on and what had happened to damage my trust. After all, I had shared my whole life with this woman and she informed me that I was not normal and would get drunk unless I *just found a guy and got laid*. Really. Well, here I am with 16 years and 10 months sober. That's 8 years and 10 months since she told me my lifestyle would get me drunk! So, HA!

ramblings of a deranged sane person

So Mystery School is almost over. There is one last part of the story and workbook. I have not posted for a while on the lists and I have not finished the story I was writing. I might, but not in time. It was too painful. Plus, as I found out, I had other things I needed to work on. Those things are works in progress. They came as messages/tasks from the Goddess and so ought not be ignored. If you ignore them, they will bite you in the ass. Although they were difficult tasks wherein I had to look at some parts of myself that I would rather have not, the work has been good. Good for me and good to me. This is an advantage of doing it when called and not putting it off. The time was right, I was ready. It has been freeing. So, a few less secrets, a few less skeletons, at least, that no one knows about. It simplifies things so much. Yes, things are simpler now. I remembered who I was and it is good.

Time

So, I've been very, very busy. No, not like work busy or running around busy - although I have been hitting a lot of meetings lately. A few more than usual. That was to counteract the idea that I don't fit in anywhere. That usually works pretty well. I did have one experience since my last post where a meeting didn't really work in that instance. Had a guy at a meeting tell me I didn't look like a lesbian. What?! I forgot to don the uniform? It's a requirement? I mostly blew it off. He only has a year. Stupid things can come out of people's mouths. Besides, it's not really his business, now, is it? So, I moved on from there...well, I did think it was important enough to mention...so let's say, I was in a fragile state but I am moving on from there. I could have said you don't look gay but I have some control over my tongue now. Some.

Anyway, I realized lately how long things actually take to work out, process, whatever you want to call it. I may have mentioned an issue I had with the sponsor I had for eight years (and I may not have). It was one of the worst experiences of my life. She told me that my lifestyle choice was not normal and it was going to get me drunk. I should just find a nice guy. It was not said as calmly as it is read here. It was said in a tirade in which she threw at me everything that was in my 5th step. (That's where you tell your Higher Power and another human being *the exact nature of your wrongs*.) Ypou know, the people you hurt, all the dishonest crap, everything that stands between you and *may the past be clean behind me* kind of stuff. Well, fuck man, I wanted to get sober and stay that way, so I told her all the stuff that was written in my 4th step. (mostly the same stuff, but this is where you fighure out who, what, why, and get an idea of who will be in your 8th and 9th steps. harms and amends) So, there it was. All that stuff being brought up and used against me. I had made my amends long before. I was eight years sober at the time she did this. I had learned to listen to what she had to say. For the most part, even when I didn't want to hear it, it was what I needed to hear. So, I sat and listened to this and I let is wash over me in waves and sink into my bones. I didn't realize this at the time. I was far too shocked. But, sink in it did. Even though I stopped talking to her and stopped going to meetings the damage was already done. Words can be so damaging. I was hurt and angry which I knew at the time. But, what I did not realize until just recently was just how deeply her words had penetrated my soul. After the hurt and anger, and before the grief, I just went numb. I had lost my support system. I think numb was probably the best choice for survival. I stayed sober to *show her* that it could be done. She made amends a few years later saying she was out of line. And I thought all was well. But no, a couple of years ago, I was walking down West Carson Street, a *crunchy, granola section of Pittsburgh and found myself thinking about all the bars that were new, that I has never been in and thinking maybe I jusmped the gun on this whole being an alcoholic thing (this was 14 years sober) so, I thought it might be a good idea to find a meeting. So I did. The only *alternative* meeting on my side of town and started going regularly. I liked the people there and they were friendly and all and so I made it my home group. Well, shortly after that, I find that my old sponsor (yep, that one) and her husband go to this meeting regularly. They had been up in the mountains for the Summer. WHY ARE THEY AT AN ALTERNATIVE MEETING??? Well, it would seem that they are so obnoxious that it is the only meeting where people will be tolerant of them...up to a point. So, I had to decide if I run away because they are there or stay because I like the rest of the people. It took me years to realize just how hard it is for me to stay there. I do go to other meetings. I have a new support system which does not include them. Yet, her very presence was enough to bring everything back. And I realized that I was so hurt that I froze the process befor it was finished. It was just too painful. Another eight years down the road and I have to finish this or shut it down again. Well, I didn't feel like it bit me in the ass or anything, it flet very organic and it seemed like the time was right to finish this. So, that's what I've been doing. Time. It was probably the best way this could have happened. Eight years later. It seems so crazy that it took eight years, but time is like that. And you'll know when it's time.